I'm sorry I've neglected you for so long. I've been working hard both at work and at comedy (Extraordinary Rendition played Best Show Ever! War on Hugs did a fun fun fun Harold last night! I cross-dressed for Don't Spit the Water!), and then my grandfather died, and I just neglected you. For that, I'm sorry. Especially because with a brain like yours, blog, you need love:
Yes! I'm smart!
So let's start dumbing things down by writing about Project Runway 4, which premiered on Wednesday night.
I've never been an avid watcher of many TV shows: I always watched The Simpsons, I liked Babylon 5 as a kid, and I try to catch stuff on DVD. I'm watching Curb Your Enthusiasm now. Becky, however, approaches Project Runway with a religious zeal usually seen in fans of say, Survivor or The Amazing Race. So on Wednesday night we went over to our friend Mary's house and watched the crap out of some Project Runway.
"Tha Runs", as I'll call it from now on, distinguishes itself from other reality competitions in that the contestants are both creative and talented, and have distinct personalities and are probably pretty smart. Also, "Tha Runz" has managed to out product-placement the commercials that run during the show, and I love it! Hearing Tim Gunn eclocute about "the Bluefly accessory cabinet," "the Tresseme beauty salon, by Tresseme," and "the Ford Fusion E85 den" makes my heart go all aflutter. Also, is his hair thinning out or what?
So, without further ado, here are my predictions for each contestant for this season. Please note that I know very little about fashion and will be judging them on their personality:
Pros: Oh my god she is so hot.
Cons: Her hair might be too cool.
Prediction: A former model, Carmen will be trapped in a net by Tyra Banks and will spend the rest of her career as a panelist on America's Next Top Model Cycles 8-487.
Pros: Chris reminds me of the gay drama teacher that works at your high school who you just LOVE.
Cons: Do I really have to say it? He's pretty fat. When I saw him lumbering over to the fabric tents, I thought "Do they want him to lose? Or die?"
Prediction: Will survive until mid-season, when he recants his homosexuality and becomes a Baptist minister and political activist. Chris for President in 2016!
Pros: He's mean as hell!
Cons: Went to school in London, and we all know British people are ugly. Also, he's like 21.
Prediction: He'll contend, but only because he's vying for that ever-important "Santino" role. The only thing is, he doesn't possess the Frankenstein-like malice needed for that role. Due to this weakness, his flesh shall be rent from his bones and his shall be made into soup to feed Nina Garcia and her brood of spider babies.
Pros: She's a formidable artist, and thus won't be afraid to take chances. Her marionettes looked really awesome. Also, she can use her Yoga powers to enter a fugue state when Heidi Klum waterboards her.
Cons: She likes to make her fabrics dirty on purpose. Also, she worked as a designer for Cher's "Believe" album. Ugh.
Prediction: Elisa's crunchiness will be her downfall. She's going to try to "hand measure" the wrong model one day, and have her hand broken. Furthermore, the Great Kamut Famine of 2007 will leave her a starving husk by the end of the season.
Pros: Handsome, athletic, intense.
Cons: This man clearly can't grow facial hair, so how will he know when he's haggard from sewing for nine hours?
Prediction: Lists his "fashion must" as a "Sugar Daddy." During episode six, he will be swept away by Michael Kors and live forever on his magical fashion ranch in Montana, never to design clothes on Bravo again. Except for the reunion show.
Pros: She's thinner than most of the other contestants, which will allow her to excel during the Deathcube challenge.
Cons: Her bio reads "Ultimately, Jillian's designs are her visual poetry of the things she loves and a reflection of the world around her." It's Project Runway, not Project Poetry, jackass!
Prediction: She's "the bitch". She's too pinched not to be. She's going to be Nina Garcia's Sith apprentice, the Anakin to her Palpatine.
Pros: Lots of experience, lots of tattoos.
Cons: He was taught to sew by his "Aunt Ida Lasusa," which is an anagram for "Nut Aid. Alas, USA." Terrorist!
Prediction: His formidable beard will cast off his Kevin disguise, right after he robs the Revlon Lipstick Vault for everything it has. It will then go on the lam, and get its own spinoff.
8. Kit (aka "Pistol")
Pros: Edgy sense of style, can transform into a gun, which is how she got her nickname.
Cons: Is allergic to the sun.
Prediction: Will be defeated by Optimus Prime and his wisecracking human friend in Episode 9.
Pros: John Wayne's real name was Marion. Therefore, Marion has all the fashion power of Genghis Khan.
Cons: He's clearly sad to be on Project Runway.
Prediction: Will leave early to go on tour.
Pros: This man is a cold-hearted fashion machine!
Cons: Unable to feel emotions.
Prediction: Rami, a native of Jerusalem, has been recruited by Mossad to assassinate Heidi Klum, who is really Albert Speer's brain in a sexy sexy body. He will make it to the finals, if only to complete this task.
Prediction: Okay, I have to admit. Ricky is my favorite. From his mesh hat to his story of poverty to his LaDanian Tomlinson-esque run to the fabric tent in episode 1, he has endeared himself to me. That said, he's a little high strung and will probably have an aneurysm in the next few episodes. TEAM RICKY!
Pros: Stylish, attractive, very smart.
Cons: Eliminated in Episode 1.
Prediction: She will be eliminated a few days ago. Also, "Simone LeBlanc" has to be a pseudonym, right?
Pros: Can do differential equations in his head, and won the Greater Chicago Model Rocket competition four years in a row.
Cons: His crippling asthma often causes him to faint, slumping over the dressform like an awkward dance partner.
Prediction: He'll make the finals, where his "Masters of Chess" collection will wow the judges. He'll have to drop out before the final judgement, however, due to persistent nuggie-itis.
14. Sweet P
Pros: Has the backing of the Hells Angels.
Cons: She lists her fashion must as "A dress," which says to me that she'll wear just about anything.
Prediction: She'll be eliminated for bludgeoning one of the other contestants with a lug wrench.
Pros: Clearly skilled and well-educated (U. of Chicago grad!)
Cons: Has a rogue "Y" in her name that could cause her some trouble.
Prediction: She's pretty unremarkable, which is why I'm going to go ahead and pick her to win the whole thing.
So there you have it, blog. My predictions for Tha Runz Seez Quattttttro.
I hope your mother is doing well, and that your job isn't giving you as much trouble as when we last corresponded. Write me back, k?
Joe Stanton aka Tha Runz Fan Numero UNO