After reading this, I've come to a conclusion: It's time to say goodbye to the giant panda.
No, no, I love it too. Yes, I know that it's (more or less) man's fault that it's dying off. And I'm sorry for that. But this is just too much. Our conservation efforts are becoming ridiculous.
We make them watch pornography. We spike their bamboo mojitos with Viagra. We release them into the wild where they are bludgeoned harder than Joe Stanton that one time he tried out for lacrosse and spent the whole practice asking his teammates if they had any interest in Babylon 5.
We should let go. This is like watching your grandfather fade away, but only if every time his heart monitor runs down you switch on the wall-sized gangbangotron, inject him with pure sexahol, stroke his penis erect, and then chain a female version of himself to the hospital bed in hopes that he desires to get rutty.
I mean, c'mon guys. We'll always have memories of Grandpa and his bizarre sexual proclivities. As hard as it is, we need to let go.