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Alternatives

Kirk: Gael Garcia Bernal
Spock: Chiwetel Ejiofor
Bones: Jake Gyllenhaal
Uhura: Djimon Hounsou
Scotty: Kristen Bell
Sulu: Sonja Sohn
Chekov: Paul Rudd
Khan: Katee Sackhoff

Submitted without comment.

What if I Was Making an Awesome Video In a Butthole?

My buddy Marc Kennedy (the guy in the sweater) made this video. Watch it! Spread it around! Love him!

I'm About to Hit You Guys with Some Content

So I saw this on Facebook today, and for some reason it really irks me:

20 reasons why a girl should call it a night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my bag is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Courtney Love than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 2:00 a.m. Taco Bell quesadilla on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work or enter the class room.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my home furnishings teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table or bar and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the sidewalk of BMOREEEEEE.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it...oh yes.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

So there are a few reasons why this might make Pissy Joe come out of his cage, not the least of which is the hamfisted attempt at humor here. "Wrestling take-down moves?" What is this, the silent film dialogue-card version of this list? But still, I can see some chuckle-worthy stuff on here (number 14 is pretty good), and besides, tepid humor on Facebook is usually not enough to make me angry.

Part of my quivering rage is the little voice in the back of my head saying "Joe! Drinking until you cry is stupid! The whole "nightlife" scene is a superficial flesh parade for idiots! You are great! You are great! Alvin and the Chipmunks are real, and delicious! Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to jump out of a window?"

But of course my Voice expresses my most curmudgeonly instincts which, while strong in me, are hardly the way I want to think. So I dismiss the voice, saying "Voice, drinking a lot is relatively harmless, and partying isn't something to hate, but rather something to roll one's eyes at. Also, Alvin and the Chipmunks might be real, but they're coprophages, so I won't be eating them anytime soon. As for the jumping out of the window thing, not until someone invents an eyeball camera, so future generations can see through my eyes. Now go back into your genie lamp, Voice."

No, I think the problem is probably with me. As much as I fight it, my baseline is really critical and mean. Those sidewalk-humping, shoeless, screaming, hugging girls aren't guilty of anything but being annoying, and I can avoid them by not going to Sharky's Fuckhole or O'Rastahanigans Eyerish Pub or whatever other classy places they frequent.

So I need to fight harder against my nastiness, especially because things are going pretty well.

I've discovered I have a pretty good thing with my standup. I still need to film it, and I need to figure out how to do the weird stuff that I want to do within the constraints of standup, but it's become less of an exercise and more of a project. Which is awesome.

After a could-be-better Harold during 24Live, War on Hugs came back on Sunday with a great focus and some real kickass drilling. If we keep the hard work up, we'll definitely be better. All the ass-kicking is fun, too, and it helps get me out of my head. In other improv news, despite a loss in the Dual Duel, Extraordinary Rendition, the two man team I'm on with John Loftin, is going to make a run of it, hopefully becoming a regular show. Remi Treuer is coaching us.

And speaking of Remi, I'm officially a member of the Durham 3 now! Playing games with those guys is really awesome, and I can't wait to run one of my own. I'm also terrified of it, but hey. Clinton is running a game this sequence in which we play interplanetary colonists. Kickass.

In fact, I have to go play that RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

So, anyway, let's keep it happy, Joe.

"Yeah! And don't forget to kidnap Tom Tancredo! It'll be awesome!"

That's My Bro!

From an e-mail with my brother, William:

One of my friends told me that there is a new store in Raleigh where everything costs more than 500 dollars. You should rob it.

Man I miss my family sometimes.

Joe Stanton: The October 4 Stand-Up Show

Come see it. I'll try to post a video of it if I can get someone to film it. If not, well, it'll be quirky. Work from there.