So hopefully I'll see it on Saturday or Sunday. The Onion A.V. Club has a primer of the Coen Bros.' work that got me to add Miller's Crossing and The Man Who Wasn't There to my Netflix queue.
I'm going to go down to Chapel Hill Comics right now and buy a copy of Scott Pilgrim Vol. 4.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Today, I Am a Genius
Dear Blog,
I'm sorry I've neglected you for so long. I've been working hard both at work and at comedy (Extraordinary Rendition played Best Show Ever! War on Hugs did a fun fun fun Harold last night! I cross-dressed for Don't Spit the Water!), and then my grandfather died, and I just neglected you. For that, I'm sorry. Especially because with a brain like yours, blog, you need love:
Yes! I'm smart!
So let's start dumbing things down by writing about Project Runway 4, which premiered on Wednesday night.
I've never been an avid watcher of many TV shows: I always watched The Simpsons, I liked Babylon 5 as a kid, and I try to catch stuff on DVD. I'm watching Curb Your Enthusiasm now. Becky, however, approaches Project Runway with a religious zeal usually seen in fans of say, Survivor or The Amazing Race. So on Wednesday night we went over to our friend Mary's house and watched the crap out of some Project Runway.
"Tha Runs", as I'll call it from now on, distinguishes itself from other reality competitions in that the contestants are both creative and talented, and have distinct personalities and are probably pretty smart. Also, "Tha Runz" has managed to out product-placement the commercials that run during the show, and I love it! Hearing Tim Gunn eclocute about "the Bluefly accessory cabinet," "the Tresseme beauty salon, by Tresseme," and "the Ford Fusion E85 den" makes my heart go all aflutter. Also, is his hair thinning out or what?
So, without further ado, here are my predictions for each contestant for this season. Please note that I know very little about fashion and will be judging them on their personality:
1. Carmen
Pros: Oh my god she is so hot.
Cons: Her hair might be too cool.
Prediction: A former model, Carmen will be trapped in a net by Tyra Banks and will spend the rest of her career as a panelist on America's Next Top Model Cycles 8-487.
2. Chris
Pros: Chris reminds me of the gay drama teacher that works at your high school who you just LOVE.
Cons: Do I really have to say it? He's pretty fat. When I saw him lumbering over to the fabric tents, I thought "Do they want him to lose? Or die?"
Prediction: Will survive until mid-season, when he recants his homosexuality and becomes a Baptist minister and political activist. Chris for President in 2016!
3. Christian
Pros: He's mean as hell!
Cons: Went to school in London, and we all know British people are ugly. Also, he's like 21.
Prediction: He'll contend, but only because he's vying for that ever-important "Santino" role. The only thing is, he doesn't possess the Frankenstein-like malice needed for that role. Due to this weakness, his flesh shall be rent from his bones and his shall be made into soup to feed Nina Garcia and her brood of spider babies.
4. Elisa
Pros: She's a formidable artist, and thus won't be afraid to take chances. Her marionettes looked really awesome. Also, she can use her Yoga powers to enter a fugue state when Heidi Klum waterboards her.
Cons: She likes to make her fabrics dirty on purpose. Also, she worked as a designer for Cher's "Believe" album. Ugh.
Prediction: Elisa's crunchiness will be her downfall. She's going to try to "hand measure" the wrong model one day, and have her hand broken. Furthermore, the Great Kamut Famine of 2007 will leave her a starving husk by the end of the season.
5. Jack
Pros: Handsome, athletic, intense.
Cons: This man clearly can't grow facial hair, so how will he know when he's haggard from sewing for nine hours?
Prediction: Lists his "fashion must" as a "Sugar Daddy." During episode six, he will be swept away by Michael Kors and live forever on his magical fashion ranch in Montana, never to design clothes on Bravo again. Except for the reunion show.
6. Jillian
Pros: She's thinner than most of the other contestants, which will allow her to excel during the Deathcube challenge.
Cons: Her bio reads "Ultimately, Jillian's designs are her visual poetry of the things she loves and a reflection of the world around her." It's Project Runway, not Project Poetry, jackass!
Prediction: She's "the bitch". She's too pinched not to be. She's going to be Nina Garcia's Sith apprentice, the Anakin to her Palpatine.
7. Kevin
Pros: Lots of experience, lots of tattoos.
Cons: He was taught to sew by his "Aunt Ida Lasusa," which is an anagram for "Nut Aid. Alas, USA." Terrorist!
Prediction: His formidable beard will cast off his Kevin disguise, right after he robs the Revlon Lipstick Vault for everything it has. It will then go on the lam, and get its own spinoff.
8. Kit (aka "Pistol")
Pros: Edgy sense of style, can transform into a gun, which is how she got her nickname.
Cons: Is allergic to the sun.
Prediction: Will be defeated by Optimus Prime and his wisecracking human friend in Episode 9.
9. Marion
Pros: John Wayne's real name was Marion. Therefore, Marion has all the fashion power of Genghis Khan.
Cons: He's clearly sad to be on Project Runway.
Prediction: Will leave early to go on tour.
10. Rami
Pros: This man is a cold-hearted fashion machine!
Cons: Unable to feel emotions.
Prediction: Rami, a native of Jerusalem, has been recruited by Mossad to assassinate Heidi Klum, who is really Albert Speer's brain in a sexy sexy body. He will make it to the finals, if only to complete this task.
11. Ricky
Pros: Pluckiness.
Cons: Spazziness.
Prediction: Okay, I have to admit. Ricky is my favorite. From his mesh hat to his story of poverty to his LaDanian Tomlinson-esque run to the fabric tent in episode 1, he has endeared himself to me. That said, he's a little high strung and will probably have an aneurysm in the next few episodes. TEAM RICKY!
12. Simone
Pros: Stylish, attractive, very smart.
Cons: Eliminated in Episode 1.
Prediction: She will be eliminated a few days ago. Also, "Simone LeBlanc" has to be a pseudonym, right?
13. Steven
Pros: Can do differential equations in his head, and won the Greater Chicago Model Rocket competition four years in a row.
Cons: His crippling asthma often causes him to faint, slumping over the dressform like an awkward dance partner.
Prediction: He'll make the finals, where his "Masters of Chess" collection will wow the judges. He'll have to drop out before the final judgement, however, due to persistent nuggie-itis.
14. Sweet P
Pros: Has the backing of the Hells Angels.
Cons: She lists her fashion must as "A dress," which says to me that she'll wear just about anything.
Prediction: She'll be eliminated for bludgeoning one of the other contestants with a lug wrench.
15. Victorya
Pros: Clearly skilled and well-educated (U. of Chicago grad!)
Cons: Has a rogue "Y" in her name that could cause her some trouble.
Prediction: She's pretty unremarkable, which is why I'm going to go ahead and pick her to win the whole thing.
So there you have it, blog. My predictions for Tha Runz Seez Quattttttro.
I hope your mother is doing well, and that your job isn't giving you as much trouble as when we last corresponded. Write me back, k?
Best regards,
Joe Stanton aka Tha Runz Fan Numero UNO
I'm sorry I've neglected you for so long. I've been working hard both at work and at comedy (Extraordinary Rendition played Best Show Ever! War on Hugs did a fun fun fun Harold last night! I cross-dressed for Don't Spit the Water!), and then my grandfather died, and I just neglected you. For that, I'm sorry. Especially because with a brain like yours, blog, you need love:
Yes! I'm smart!
So let's start dumbing things down by writing about Project Runway 4, which premiered on Wednesday night.
I've never been an avid watcher of many TV shows: I always watched The Simpsons, I liked Babylon 5 as a kid, and I try to catch stuff on DVD. I'm watching Curb Your Enthusiasm now. Becky, however, approaches Project Runway with a religious zeal usually seen in fans of say, Survivor or The Amazing Race. So on Wednesday night we went over to our friend Mary's house and watched the crap out of some Project Runway.
"Tha Runs", as I'll call it from now on, distinguishes itself from other reality competitions in that the contestants are both creative and talented, and have distinct personalities and are probably pretty smart. Also, "Tha Runz" has managed to out product-placement the commercials that run during the show, and I love it! Hearing Tim Gunn eclocute about "the Bluefly accessory cabinet," "the Tresseme beauty salon, by Tresseme," and "the Ford Fusion E85 den" makes my heart go all aflutter. Also, is his hair thinning out or what?
So, without further ado, here are my predictions for each contestant for this season. Please note that I know very little about fashion and will be judging them on their personality:
1. Carmen
Pros: Oh my god she is so hot.
Cons: Her hair might be too cool.
Prediction: A former model, Carmen will be trapped in a net by Tyra Banks and will spend the rest of her career as a panelist on America's Next Top Model Cycles 8-487.
2. Chris
Pros: Chris reminds me of the gay drama teacher that works at your high school who you just LOVE.
Cons: Do I really have to say it? He's pretty fat. When I saw him lumbering over to the fabric tents, I thought "Do they want him to lose? Or die?"
Prediction: Will survive until mid-season, when he recants his homosexuality and becomes a Baptist minister and political activist. Chris for President in 2016!
3. Christian
Pros: He's mean as hell!
Cons: Went to school in London, and we all know British people are ugly. Also, he's like 21.
Prediction: He'll contend, but only because he's vying for that ever-important "Santino" role. The only thing is, he doesn't possess the Frankenstein-like malice needed for that role. Due to this weakness, his flesh shall be rent from his bones and his shall be made into soup to feed Nina Garcia and her brood of spider babies.
4. Elisa
Pros: She's a formidable artist, and thus won't be afraid to take chances. Her marionettes looked really awesome. Also, she can use her Yoga powers to enter a fugue state when Heidi Klum waterboards her.
Cons: She likes to make her fabrics dirty on purpose. Also, she worked as a designer for Cher's "Believe" album. Ugh.
Prediction: Elisa's crunchiness will be her downfall. She's going to try to "hand measure" the wrong model one day, and have her hand broken. Furthermore, the Great Kamut Famine of 2007 will leave her a starving husk by the end of the season.
5. Jack
Pros: Handsome, athletic, intense.
Cons: This man clearly can't grow facial hair, so how will he know when he's haggard from sewing for nine hours?
Prediction: Lists his "fashion must" as a "Sugar Daddy." During episode six, he will be swept away by Michael Kors and live forever on his magical fashion ranch in Montana, never to design clothes on Bravo again. Except for the reunion show.
6. Jillian
Pros: She's thinner than most of the other contestants, which will allow her to excel during the Deathcube challenge.
Cons: Her bio reads "Ultimately, Jillian's designs are her visual poetry of the things she loves and a reflection of the world around her." It's Project Runway, not Project Poetry, jackass!
Prediction: She's "the bitch". She's too pinched not to be. She's going to be Nina Garcia's Sith apprentice, the Anakin to her Palpatine.
7. Kevin
Pros: Lots of experience, lots of tattoos.
Cons: He was taught to sew by his "Aunt Ida Lasusa," which is an anagram for "Nut Aid. Alas, USA." Terrorist!
Prediction: His formidable beard will cast off his Kevin disguise, right after he robs the Revlon Lipstick Vault for everything it has. It will then go on the lam, and get its own spinoff.
8. Kit (aka "Pistol")
Pros: Edgy sense of style, can transform into a gun, which is how she got her nickname.
Cons: Is allergic to the sun.
Prediction: Will be defeated by Optimus Prime and his wisecracking human friend in Episode 9.
9. Marion
Pros: John Wayne's real name was Marion. Therefore, Marion has all the fashion power of Genghis Khan.
Cons: He's clearly sad to be on Project Runway.
Prediction: Will leave early to go on tour.
10. Rami
Pros: This man is a cold-hearted fashion machine!
Cons: Unable to feel emotions.
Prediction: Rami, a native of Jerusalem, has been recruited by Mossad to assassinate Heidi Klum, who is really Albert Speer's brain in a sexy sexy body. He will make it to the finals, if only to complete this task.
11. Ricky
Pros: Pluckiness.
Cons: Spazziness.
Prediction: Okay, I have to admit. Ricky is my favorite. From his mesh hat to his story of poverty to his LaDanian Tomlinson-esque run to the fabric tent in episode 1, he has endeared himself to me. That said, he's a little high strung and will probably have an aneurysm in the next few episodes. TEAM RICKY!
12. Simone
Pros: Stylish, attractive, very smart.
Cons: Eliminated in Episode 1.
Prediction: She will be eliminated a few days ago. Also, "Simone LeBlanc" has to be a pseudonym, right?
13. Steven
Pros: Can do differential equations in his head, and won the Greater Chicago Model Rocket competition four years in a row.
Cons: His crippling asthma often causes him to faint, slumping over the dressform like an awkward dance partner.
Prediction: He'll make the finals, where his "Masters of Chess" collection will wow the judges. He'll have to drop out before the final judgement, however, due to persistent nuggie-itis.
14. Sweet P
Pros: Has the backing of the Hells Angels.
Cons: She lists her fashion must as "A dress," which says to me that she'll wear just about anything.
Prediction: She'll be eliminated for bludgeoning one of the other contestants with a lug wrench.
15. Victorya
Pros: Clearly skilled and well-educated (U. of Chicago grad!)
Cons: Has a rogue "Y" in her name that could cause her some trouble.
Prediction: She's pretty unremarkable, which is why I'm going to go ahead and pick her to win the whole thing.
So there you have it, blog. My predictions for Tha Runz Seez Quattttttro.
I hope your mother is doing well, and that your job isn't giving you as much trouble as when we last corresponded. Write me back, k?
Best regards,
Joe Stanton aka Tha Runz Fan Numero UNO
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Alternatives
Kirk: Gael Garcia Bernal
Spock: Chiwetel Ejiofor
Bones: Jake Gyllenhaal
Uhura: Djimon Hounsou
Scotty: Kristen Bell
Sulu: Sonja Sohn
Chekov: Paul Rudd
Khan: Katee Sackhoff
Submitted without comment.
Spock: Chiwetel Ejiofor
Bones: Jake Gyllenhaal
Uhura: Djimon Hounsou
Scotty: Kristen Bell
Sulu: Sonja Sohn
Chekov: Paul Rudd
Khan: Katee Sackhoff
Submitted without comment.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
What if I Was Making an Awesome Video In a Butthole?
My buddy Marc Kennedy (the guy in the sweater) made this video. Watch it! Spread it around! Love him!
Monday, October 8, 2007
I'm About to Hit You Guys with Some Content
So I saw this on Facebook today, and for some reason it really irks me:
Part of my quivering rage is the little voice in the back of my head saying "Joe! Drinking until you cry is stupid! The whole "nightlife" scene is a superficial flesh parade for idiots! You are great! You are great! Alvin and the Chipmunks are real, and delicious! Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to jump out of a window?"
But of course my Voice expresses my most curmudgeonly instincts which, while strong in me, are hardly the way I want to think. So I dismiss the voice, saying "Voice, drinking a lot is relatively harmless, and partying isn't something to hate, but rather something to roll one's eyes at. Also, Alvin and the Chipmunks might be real, but they're coprophages, so I won't be eating them anytime soon. As for the jumping out of the window thing, not until someone invents an eyeball camera, so future generations can see through my eyes. Now go back into your genie lamp, Voice."
No, I think the problem is probably with me. As much as I fight it, my baseline is really critical and mean. Those sidewalk-humping, shoeless, screaming, hugging girls aren't guilty of anything but being annoying, and I can avoid them by not going to Sharky's Fuckhole or O'Rastahanigans Eyerish Pub or whatever other classy places they frequent.
So I need to fight harder against my nastiness, especially because things are going pretty well.
I've discovered I have a pretty good thing with my standup. I still need to film it, and I need to figure out how to do the weird stuff that I want to do within the constraints of standup, but it's become less of an exercise and more of a project. Which is awesome.
After a could-be-better Harold during 24Live, War on Hugs came back on Sunday with a great focus and some real kickass drilling. If we keep the hard work up, we'll definitely be better. All the ass-kicking is fun, too, and it helps get me out of my head. In other improv news, despite a loss in the Dual Duel, Extraordinary Rendition, the two man team I'm on with John Loftin, is going to make a run of it, hopefully becoming a regular show. Remi Treuer is coaching us.
And speaking of Remi, I'm officially a member of the Durham 3 now! Playing games with those guys is really awesome, and I can't wait to run one of my own. I'm also terrified of it, but hey. Clinton is running a game this sequence in which we play interplanetary colonists. Kickass.
In fact, I have to go play that RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.
So, anyway, let's keep it happy, Joe.
"Yeah! And don't forget to kidnap Tom Tancredo! It'll be awesome!"
20 reasons why a girl should call it a nightSo there are a few reasons why this might make Pissy Joe come out of his cage, not the least of which is the hamfisted attempt at humor here. "Wrestling take-down moves?" What is this, the silent film dialogue-card version of this list? But still, I can see some chuckle-worthy stuff on here (number 14 is pretty good), and besides, tepid humor on Facebook is usually not enough to make me angry.
1. I have absolutely no idea where my bag is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Courtney Love than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 2:00 a.m. Taco Bell quesadilla on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work or enter the class room.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my home furnishings teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table or bar and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the sidewalk of BMOREEEEEE.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it...oh yes.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
Part of my quivering rage is the little voice in the back of my head saying "Joe! Drinking until you cry is stupid! The whole "nightlife" scene is a superficial flesh parade for idiots! You are great! You are great! Alvin and the Chipmunks are real, and delicious! Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to jump out of a window?"
But of course my Voice expresses my most curmudgeonly instincts which, while strong in me, are hardly the way I want to think. So I dismiss the voice, saying "Voice, drinking a lot is relatively harmless, and partying isn't something to hate, but rather something to roll one's eyes at. Also, Alvin and the Chipmunks might be real, but they're coprophages, so I won't be eating them anytime soon. As for the jumping out of the window thing, not until someone invents an eyeball camera, so future generations can see through my eyes. Now go back into your genie lamp, Voice."
No, I think the problem is probably with me. As much as I fight it, my baseline is really critical and mean. Those sidewalk-humping, shoeless, screaming, hugging girls aren't guilty of anything but being annoying, and I can avoid them by not going to Sharky's Fuckhole or O'Rastahanigans Eyerish Pub or whatever other classy places they frequent.
So I need to fight harder against my nastiness, especially because things are going pretty well.
I've discovered I have a pretty good thing with my standup. I still need to film it, and I need to figure out how to do the weird stuff that I want to do within the constraints of standup, but it's become less of an exercise and more of a project. Which is awesome.
After a could-be-better Harold during 24Live, War on Hugs came back on Sunday with a great focus and some real kickass drilling. If we keep the hard work up, we'll definitely be better. All the ass-kicking is fun, too, and it helps get me out of my head. In other improv news, despite a loss in the Dual Duel, Extraordinary Rendition, the two man team I'm on with John Loftin, is going to make a run of it, hopefully becoming a regular show. Remi Treuer is coaching us.
And speaking of Remi, I'm officially a member of the Durham 3 now! Playing games with those guys is really awesome, and I can't wait to run one of my own. I'm also terrified of it, but hey. Clinton is running a game this sequence in which we play interplanetary colonists. Kickass.
In fact, I have to go play that RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.
So, anyway, let's keep it happy, Joe.
"Yeah! And don't forget to kidnap Tom Tancredo! It'll be awesome!"
Thursday, October 4, 2007
That's My Bro!
From an e-mail with my brother, William:
One of my friends told me that there is a new store in Raleigh where everything costs more than 500 dollars. You should rob it.Man I miss my family sometimes.
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