joe stanton: the show

New funny!

2009-01-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

Nu-Metal Band Namez

A quickie, not super-polished, but fun-ish.

Civil War Baby!

2009-01-13T14:56:00.001-05:00

Check out the new post over at the "fun" blog:

Unsung Heroes of the Civil War

Auf'd

2009-01-08T10:53:00.001-05:00

Over at the new blog: My Favorite Reality TV Catchphrases.

Hey What about Those Sci-Fi Movies?

2009-01-05T12:24:00.001-05:00

Over at my other blog, something funny!

Tattoos that mean something

2009-01-03T17:12:00.001-05:00

Over at my new blog that should host nothing but my writing and its products.

This Just Makes Me Want to Reread the Book

2008-10-07T09:40:00.002-05:00

From io9.com:

The first ten pages of the new Ender's Game comic.

I think the art looks sort of odd, like maybe it wasn't so much "drawn" as "modeled." Thoughts?

One of the Best Quotes About Movies I've Ever Read

2008-10-02T12:31:00.001-05:00

From Nathan Rabin's My Year of Flops review of Be Kind, Rewind:

Anyone who doesn't leave a showing of Raiders Of The Lost Ark or Enter The Dragon cracking an imaginary whip or decimating an army of invisible attackers with roundhouse kicks and uppercuts is a black-hearted Nazi robot.

I Declare This Pizza to Be...Awesome!

2008-10-02T09:27:00.004-05:00

I've been watching Twin Peaks. I'm only three episodes in, so no spoilers, but I really like it. It's suspenseful and weird and I wonder how it got on TV in the first place. One thing I really like Twin Peaks it is the style of the show: stilted jazz plays at juke joints, Philip Glass-esque hums and drones populate funerals and parties, 17 year old girls have the hairstyles of heroines and femmes fatales from Dashiell Hammett potboilers. And because it's carried off with panache, it works.

Becky put another show with style on my Netflix queue:

Now let me get one thing strait: H.R. Pufnstuf sucks. The acting is shit, the title character is an effete, boring nobody, and the show is downright racist*. But it does have style. The Kroffts said "Fuck it, we've got limited talent, no voice acting, a warehouse full of felt and midgets, and $43, but we're doing this with panache." And they were successful. I don't know what that means for me, but I thought I'd observe. Also, this:

*Take a look at the "East Wind."

Hey, Ted Hobgood!

2008-10-01T11:24:00.001-05:00

Is your mind exploded yet? Is it, Ted Hobgood? Is it?

Also, this video is Airwolf.

I Am the Same Age As These Men

2008-09-30T10:20:00.003-05:00

And my day consists of trying to unkink my back enough to walk the dogs. They spend their days making this:

Work has been hard lately. I can't wait for this election to be over.

But seriously, though, these guys are really impressive. I hope they have long, awesome careers.

Fuckers.

Vote for My Friend

2008-09-21T17:37:00.001-05:00

My buddies John Loftin, Remi Treuer, and Jack Fitzgerald made a video for the Carmex "Feel the Tingle" contest. Watch it here and give it five stars! It deserves it!

Dragon*Con Photos and More

2008-09-14T18:38:00.002-05:00

Finally! Dragon*Con 2008 photos have been developed and scanned (I was too cheap to get CDs made. Also, I own a scanner.). Really like the one above and the one I took of Hunter Thompson:

All in all, I'd say that 1/3 of the shots I took at Dragon*Con came out acceptably. There'll be a higher ration next year, when I get a handle on high-level photography. I hope.

I did considerably better flashbulbin' away at Colette Henderson's Masquerade party:

That's some Merlin Bronques shit right there.

Dragon*Con Pictures
Masquerade Pictures

YUM

2008-09-10T08:56:00.003-05:00

I like this one because it looks like I'm going to eat a kitten. Also you can see the tape where I taped it to the scanner.

Typamowriter

2008-09-09T22:22:00.003-05:00

This picture is backward because I scanned in the negative the wrong way. Used the bulb function on my Holga, held it real still.

I got a new/used/vintage Canon SLR from my main boy Ted Hobgood. Took a bunch of pictures at Dragon*Con. Waiting to get those back. In the meantime, look at this one Becky took.

Abbie is the star of this shot.

EDIT: The camera Ted sold me is actually a Minolta. I'm crazy.

More Holga

2008-09-01T23:06:00.003-05:00

Check it.

Me and My Holga

2008-08-22T10:22:00.003-05:00

I've been taking pictures with my new Holga. Got great vignetting on the square photos, which I've been using 120 (medium format) film for. Fun!

I've also been shooting 35mm in the Holga, which have enhanced the (awesome) light leaks and lets you shoot onto the sprockets of the film.

Sorry I was gone for so long.

2008-06-24T15:04:00.001-05:00

Vint Cerf (
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vinton_Cerf) is walking around the conference in a brown three-piece suit. Just sayin'.

2008-06-24T11:13:00.001-05:00

I'm here in NYC for the PDF2008 conference, and I just saw Gilberto Gil give a speech. It was pretty cool.

2008-06-18T15:23:00.001-05:00

I'm getting way too into quirky instruments. I just bought a (cheap) pineapple-shaped ukulele to supplement my badass (cheap) tenor uke, and now I'm buying three (cheap) harmonicas and a (cheap) melodica. Probably.

Huzzah!!

2008-06-17T15:17:00.001-05:00

Just ordered a new ukulele (a cheap one, but looks fun), and the D&D 4th Edition Players' Handbook. And they said it couldn't be done...

2008-06-17T09:03:00.001-05:00

D&D Update:

Kicked the ass of some goblins mining our sacred mountain. Going into the mines next time. Fun!

2008-06-16T08:58:00.001-05:00

I had a good weekend. We went to Adventure Landing! I'm tired now, but I think I'm okay.

The Tim Russert thing shook me up pretty badly.

2008-06-12T13:50:00.001-05:00

doom buddies are go tonight!

I can't wait to see what Ted Hobgood did to make this video rock.

2008-06-11T12:12:00.001-05:00

I just got an account with ING Direct, and I had to call their customer service center.

They were so nice.

It made me feel really good.

2008-06-10T14:59:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking that maybe I'll see Kung Fu Panda sometime soon. I don't want to see the Incredible Hulk movie. Not right now, at least. Can probably skip the Star Wars one, too. I dunno. My brain is pretty tired.

Durham 3 is playing D&D 4th Edition: we're going to be three halfling brothers (a paladin, a warlock and a cleric). It'll be up to Remi to make us not get owned TOO hard.

my brain is pretty tired.

2008-06-09T15:17:00.001-05:00

I'm wondering if I should buy an iPhone or a YMCA membership.

It's Me, Your Cathy

2008-05-18T15:12:00.002-05:00

I've been watching old Kate Bush videos. They're so alien and great. Remi doesn't agree.

This is a good seque into the big news of my life: I bought a ukulele. It's so ridiculously fun. Man. Man!

HOLY SHIT

2008-04-26T06:19:00.002-05:00

It's "William Adama" and for that I'm really sorry.

I need to catch up.

That's like saying Russel "Stinger" Bell, or Captain John T. Kirk.

He Flies American?

2008-04-25T22:02:00.002-05:00

JoeStantonTheShow Stalker:

Edward James "Richard Adama" Olmos eating at Jet Rock Bar and Grill in Terminal C at Reagan National Airport. Was really nice to the dude chatting him up. Awesome awesome hair.

Don't spoil it for me, I've not even started season 2.

It's Very Cheesy...

2008-04-04T11:03:00.003-05:00

...But ElfQuest (at least the parts I've gotten through so far) is really good. I was all set to enjoy it with a sneer, but the character designs are a really solid, the story is a simple but resonant meditation on change and race, and there's some fun high-fantasy stuff going on.

The best parts about it, though? It was independently made and published, and you can read it for free here.

Come Get Your Rock On

2008-04-03T12:31:00.001-05:00

At Troy Sterling's Air Guitar Madness!

I will be dressed as a wizard.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T09:05:00.002-05:00

No Danny Boy today.

Goddammit

2008-03-13T08:36:00.003-05:00

As a native Sandlapper, I have to say I'm not proud of this:

Granted, this happened in Union, the home of Susan Smith, and an all-around shitty place, but I could see it happening in my hometown. Ugh.

I'm Not a Big Fan of the Original

2008-02-28T10:53:00.001-05:00

But this is just ridiculously great.

If You Missed It

2008-02-20T12:24:00.005-05:00

My two-man show with John Loftin, Extraordinary Rendition, played the opening show of the festival last night. Everyone rocked it, and I was especially pleased with our performance. We really left it all on stage, I think.

Come see some shows this week! There's a real treat of one tonight, Elaine and Siegel-prov.

More Obama

2008-02-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

I've gotten more and more chilly to Obama's stump speech, so I agree with Jim Newell on the gist of this post. That said, there are some serious problems with what he actually writes:

Barack’s giving a speech — will it be good or his usual robotic so-so crap? Grandma’s watching in the Africaland, Barry.

"The Africaland"? If by "the Africaland" you mean Kenya, then yes, she is "watching in the Africaland." Man, Jim, you've managed to be patronizing to Obama, his 86 year-old grandmother, the nation of Kenya, and the continent of Africa all at the same time!

One Way to Describe the Democratic Race

2008-02-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

Clinton is smart and tough, and Obama, while effective, is more of a crowd-pleaser. I don't know how many of you have played Final Fantasy X, but:

Clinton: Auron
Obama: Wakka

Gold!

2008-01-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

Can we just get rid of the Ron Paul shit, please?

...Paul's campaign wants to depict its candidate as a naïve, absentee overseer, with minimal knowledge of what his underlings were doing on his behalf. This portrayal might be more believable if extremist views had cropped up in the newsletters only sporadically--or if the newsletters had just been published for a short time. But it is difficult to imagine how Paul could allow material consistently saturated in racism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, and conspiracy-mongering to be printed under his name for so long if he did not share these views. In that respect, whether or not Paul personally wrote the most offensive passages is almost beside the point. If he disagreed with what was being written under his name, you would think that at some point--over the course of decades--he would have done something about it.

I don't know if his politics are right vis: smaller government, Federal Reserve, etc. (I tend to think they're untenable). What I don't like is the promulgation of the myth that he's some sort of force of freedom. He's a lunatic.

That said, I don't have a blimp, so who am I to judge? Learn to love, Joe. Learn to love.

This is Funny in A Way that Makes The Icy Spectre of Suicide and I Have A Flirtatious Cup of Tea in the Arboreteum

2008-01-08T15:15:00.000-05:00

From Gawker's new Sci-Fi site, io9.

The Feminists

I would say we've come far, but there's still a lot of anti-woman rhetoric out there. God No! A woman could never be President! She'll either destroy all men or be too weak for the job! That ball-busting bitch/wimpy woman!

Yeesh.

A Quick Thought

2008-01-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

So last night I was watching Waiting..., and I had a thought. I know that I might be wrong for thinking this, as I've cobbled this theory together mostly by hearsay, but:

Dane Cook might be palatable if he quits standup and becomes a character actor. He doesn't suck at that.

I dunno.

Barack Obama is a Good Public Speaker

2008-01-04T09:26:00.001-05:00

He lilts nearly effortlessly between a sort of charismatic preacher pitter-patter to a hard-edged, "presidential" tone. He's damn good.

Now if we can get the Kuciniches and Ron Pauls and Bill Richardsons and Huckabees, Romneys, Giulianis, McCains, etc, out of the race, we'll have some real fun.

Sorry, I'm On My Mediocre-Phone

2007-12-31T08:56:00.000-05:00

So, first, the good things about Juno:

What a compelling story! And the acting! Man, I wish Allison Janney were in more movies. Also, Jennifer Garner gave the best performance her tiny little brain would allow. Also, Ellen Page has the potential to really kick ass if she doesn't become her generations quirk girl...

*And now, we wade into the shit*

...Which, unless she spends the next film she's in reciting her lines on a unicycle, is impossible. Seriously, could a script be more dishonest and stupid?

Do you know how playing Dance Dance Revolution is like dancing, but not really dancing? The dialogue was so impossibly mannered that screenwriter Diablo Cody* must have written by playing Script Script Revolution. I mean, the characters were speaking, technically, but only in the strictest denotational sense of the word.

And I understand the need for flourishes and fun dialogue and wierdness. Not every film needs to be completely naturalistic. That'd be boring. But for Christ's sake, I can only take so much preciousness.

Becky wants to see it, so I might take another go at Juno. Tons of people I respect really loved it, so I wonder if my natural curmudgeonly-ness is coloring my opinion too much.

PS: Why didn't she get an abortion? Why does no one get an abortion in these pregnancy movies? They're legal! Please will someone get an abortion? Also, the clinic where she got an abortion--you know what? Fuck it. I'm writing a ten-minute movie that ends with the teenager getting an abortion and going on with her life.

*Fucking hell, that name.

The Boy in the Moon

2007-12-04T16:58:00.000-05:00

Metafilter showed me this article about this journalist and his son, who has a rare condition. I'm not sure if this is exploitative, but I like it. It also has a very stylish video accompanying it. It's also part of a series, so I'll probably keep my eye on it.

I Still Haven't Seen No Country for Old Men...

2007-11-30T12:45:00.000-05:00

So hopefully I'll see it on Saturday or Sunday. The Onion A.V. Club has a primer of the Coen Bros.' work that got me to add Miller's Crossing and The Man Who Wasn't There to my Netflix queue.

I'm going to go down to Chapel Hill Comics right now and buy a copy of Scott Pilgrim Vol. 4.

Today, I Am a Genius

2007-11-16T10:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I've neglected you for so long. I've been working hard both at work and at comedy (Extraordinary Rendition played Best Show Ever! War on Hugs did a fun fun fun Harold last night! I cross-dressed for Don't Spit the Water!), and then my grandfather died, and I just neglected you. For that, I'm sorry. Especially because with a brain like yours, blog, you need love:

Yes! I'm smart!

So let's start dumbing things down by writing about Project Runway 4, which premiered on Wednesday night.

I've never been an avid watcher of many TV shows: I always watched The Simpsons, I liked Babylon 5 as a kid, and I try to catch stuff on DVD. I'm watching Curb Your Enthusiasm now. Becky, however, approaches Project Runway with a religious zeal usually seen in fans of say, Survivor or The Amazing Race. So on Wednesday night we went over to our friend Mary's house and watched the crap out of some Project Runway.

"Tha Runs", as I'll call it from now on, distinguishes itself from other reality competitions in that the contestants are both creative and talented, and have distinct personalities and are probably pretty smart. Also, "Tha Runz" has managed to out product-placement the commercials that run during the show, and I love it! Hearing Tim Gunn eclocute about "the Bluefly accessory cabinet," "the Tresseme beauty salon, by Tresseme," and "the Ford Fusion E85 den" makes my heart go all aflutter. Also, is his hair thinning out or what?

So, without further ado, here are my predictions for each contestant for this season. Please note that I know very little about fashion and will be judging them on their personality:

1. Carmen
Pros: Oh my god she is so hot.
Cons: Her hair might be too cool.
Prediction: A former model, Carmen will be trapped in a net by Tyra Banks and will spend the rest of her career as a panelist on America's Next Top Model Cycles 8-487.

2. Chris
Pros: Chris reminds me of the gay drama teacher that works at your high school who you just LOVE.
Cons: Do I really have to say it? He's pretty fat. When I saw him lumbering over to the fabric tents, I thought "Do they want him to lose? Or die?"
Prediction: Will survive until mid-season, when he recants his homosexuality and becomes a Baptist minister and political activist. Chris for President in 2016!

3. Christian
Pros: He's mean as hell!
Cons: Went to school in London, and we all know British people are ugly. Also, he's like 21.
Prediction: He'll contend, but only because he's vying for that ever-important "Santino" role. The only thing is, he doesn't possess the Frankenstein-like malice needed for that role. Due to this weakness, his flesh shall be rent from his bones and his shall be made into soup to feed Nina Garcia and her brood of spider babies.

4. Elisa
Pros: She's a formidable artist, and thus won't be afraid to take chances. Her marionettes looked really awesome. Also, she can use her Yoga powers to enter a fugue state when Heidi Klum waterboards her.
Cons: She likes to make her fabrics dirty on purpose. Also, she worked as a designer for Cher's "Believe" album. Ugh.
Prediction: Elisa's crunchiness will be her downfall. She's going to try to "hand measure" the wrong model one day, and have her hand broken. Furthermore, the Great Kamut Famine of 2007 will leave her a starving husk by the end of the season.

5. Jack
Pros: Handsome, athletic, intense.
Cons: This man clearly can't grow facial hair, so how will he know when he's haggard from sewing for nine hours?
Prediction: Lists his "fashion must" as a "Sugar Daddy." During episode six, he will be swept away by Michael Kors and live forever on his magical fashion ranch in Montana, never to design clothes on Bravo again. Except for the reunion show.

6. Jillian
Pros: She's thinner than most of the other contestants, which will allow her to excel during the Deathcube challenge.
Cons: Her bio reads "Ultimately, Jillian's designs are her visual poetry of the things she loves and a reflection of the world around her." It's Project Runway, not Project Poetry, jackass!
Prediction: She's "the bitch". She's too pinched not to be. She's going to be Nina Garcia's Sith apprentice, the Anakin to her Palpatine.

7. Kevin
Pros: Lots of experience, lots of tattoos.
Cons: He was taught to sew by his "Aunt Ida Lasusa," which is an anagram for "Nut Aid. Alas, USA." Terrorist!
Prediction: His formidable beard will cast off his Kevin disguise, right after he robs the Revlon Lipstick Vault for everything it has. It will then go on the lam, and get its own spinoff.

8. Kit (aka "Pistol")
Pros: Edgy sense of style, can transform into a gun, which is how she got her nickname.
Cons: Is allergic to the sun.
Prediction: Will be defeated by Optimus Prime and his wisecracking human friend in Episode 9.

9. Marion
Pros: John Wayne's real name was Marion. Therefore, Marion has all the fashion power of Genghis Khan.
Cons: He's clearly sad to be on Project Runway.
Prediction: Will leave early to go on tour.

10. Rami
Pros: This man is a cold-hearted fashion machine!
Cons: Unable to feel emotions.
Prediction: Rami, a native of Jerusalem, has been recruited by Mossad to assassinate Heidi Klum, who is really Albert Speer's brain in a sexy sexy body. He will make it to the finals, if only to complete this task.

11. Ricky
Pros: Pluckiness.
Cons: Spazziness.
Prediction: Okay, I have to admit. Ricky is my favorite. From his mesh hat to his story of poverty to his LaDanian Tomlinson-esque run to the fabric tent in episode 1, he has endeared himself to me. That said, he's a little high strung and will probably have an aneurysm in the next few episodes. TEAM RICKY!

12. Simone
Pros: Stylish, attractive, very smart.
Cons: Eliminated in Episode 1.
Prediction: She will be eliminated a few days ago. Also, "Simone LeBlanc" has to be a pseudonym, right?

13. Steven
Pros: Can do differential equations in his head, and won the Greater Chicago Model Rocket competition four years in a row.
Cons: His crippling asthma often causes him to faint, slumping over the dressform like an awkward dance partner.
Prediction: He'll make the finals, where his "Masters of Chess" collection will wow the judges. He'll have to drop out before the final judgement, however, due to persistent nuggie-itis.

14. Sweet P
Pros: Has the backing of the Hells Angels.
Cons: She lists her fashion must as "A dress," which says to me that she'll wear just about anything.
Prediction: She'll be eliminated for bludgeoning one of the other contestants with a lug wrench.

15. Victorya
Pros: Clearly skilled and well-educated (U. of Chicago grad!)
Cons: Has a rogue "Y" in her name that could cause her some trouble.
Prediction: She's pretty unremarkable, which is why I'm going to go ahead and pick her to win the whole thing.

So there you have it, blog. My predictions for Tha Runz Seez Quattttttro.

I hope your mother is doing well, and that your job isn't giving you as much trouble as when we last corresponded. Write me back, k?

Best regards,
Joe Stanton aka Tha Runz Fan Numero UNO

RSS Feeds in Action

2007-10-22T23:04:00.001-05:00

Look at it work!

Alternatives

2007-10-19T15:14:00.000-05:00

Kirk: Gael Garcia Bernal
Spock: Chiwetel Ejiofor
Bones: Jake Gyllenhaal
Uhura: Djimon Hounsou
Scotty: Kristen Bell
Sulu: Sonja Sohn
Chekov: Paul Rudd
Khan: Katee Sackhoff

Submitted without comment.

What if I Was Making an Awesome Video In a Butthole?

2007-10-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

My buddy Marc Kennedy (the guy in the sweater) made this video. Watch it! Spread it around! Love him!

I'm About to Hit You Guys with Some Content

2007-10-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

So I saw this on Facebook today, and for some reason it really irks me:

20 reasons why a girl should call it a night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my bag is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Courtney Love than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 2:00 a.m. Taco Bell quesadilla on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work or enter the class room.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my home furnishings teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table or bar and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the sidewalk of BMOREEEEEE.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it...oh yes.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

So there are a few reasons why this might make Pissy Joe come out of his cage, not the least of which is the hamfisted attempt at humor here. "Wrestling take-down moves?" What is this, the silent film dialogue-card version of this list? But still, I can see some chuckle-worthy stuff on here (number 14 is pretty good), and besides, tepid humor on Facebook is usually not enough to make me angry.

Part of my quivering rage is the little voice in the back of my head saying "Joe! Drinking until you cry is stupid! The whole "nightlife" scene is a superficial flesh parade for idiots! You are great! You are great! Alvin and the Chipmunks are real, and delicious! Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to jump out of a window?"

But of course my Voice expresses my most curmudgeonly instincts which, while strong in me, are hardly the way I want to think. So I dismiss the voice, saying "Voice, drinking a lot is relatively harmless, and partying isn't something to hate, but rather something to roll one's eyes at. Also, Alvin and the Chipmunks might be real, but they're coprophages, so I won't be eating them anytime soon. As for the jumping out of the window thing, not until someone invents an eyeball camera, so future generations can see through my eyes. Now go back into your genie lamp, Voice."

No, I think the problem is probably with me. As much as I fight it, my baseline is really critical and mean. Those sidewalk-humping, shoeless, screaming, hugging girls aren't guilty of anything but being annoying, and I can avoid them by not going to Sharky's Fuckhole or O'Rastahanigans Eyerish Pub or whatever other classy places they frequent.

So I need to fight harder against my nastiness, especially because things are going pretty well.

I've discovered I have a pretty good thing with my standup. I still need to film it, and I need to figure out how to do the weird stuff that I want to do within the constraints of standup, but it's become less of an exercise and more of a project. Which is awesome.

After a could-be-better Harold during 24Live, War on Hugs came back on Sunday with a great focus and some real kickass drilling. If we keep the hard work up, we'll definitely be better. All the ass-kicking is fun, too, and it helps get me out of my head. In other improv news, despite a loss in the Dual Duel, Extraordinary Rendition, the two man team I'm on with John Loftin, is going to make a run of it, hopefully becoming a regular show. Remi Treuer is coaching us.

And speaking of Remi, I'm officially a member of the Durham 3 now! Playing games with those guys is really awesome, and I can't wait to run one of my own. I'm also terrified of it, but hey. Clinton is running a game this sequence in which we play interplanetary colonists. Kickass.

In fact, I have to go play that RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.

So, anyway, let's keep it happy, Joe.

"Yeah! And don't forget to kidnap Tom Tancredo! It'll be awesome!"

That's My Bro!

2007-10-04T14:05:00.002-05:00

From an e-mail with my brother, William:

One of my friends told me that there is a new store in Raleigh where everything costs more than 500 dollars. You should rob it.

Man I miss my family sometimes.

Joe Stanton: The October 4 Stand-Up Show

2007-10-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

Come see it. I'll try to post a video of it if I can get someone to film it. If not, well, it'll be quirky. Work from there.

for reverend greeeeeeen

2007-09-29T14:59:00.000-05:00

I got to see Animal Collective on Thursday. They were good. We were pretty far back (we got there just in time after Extraordinary Rendition lost in the Dual Duel) so we didn't get to see the strobe light-theatrics of the show that well. Their performances of "Peacebone" and "Fireworks" were worth the price of admission alone. They filigreed the latter so beautifully that they doubled the runtime without losing any of the awesomeness. I'm tired from 24Live. I'm doing one more show. Phil Mitchum forever!

Ditka is the Worst

2007-09-24T11:57:00.000-05:00

So lately I've been listening to sports radio. Don't ask me why, I guess because my Gamecocks are doing pretty well so far and I want to hear about them. I've noticed, however, that talking heads on sports shows like to supply a lot of superfluous information.

An example:

The Detroit Lions and the Indianapolis Colts are playing today. The Indianapolis Colts are a good football team. Peyton Manning does great things with the football. Tony Dungy is a great football coach.

Do they think we're too stupid know that we're listening to a show about football, and that we lack the basic NFL background knowledge that the Lions are from Detroit and the Colts are from Indianapolis? Casual listeners usually don't settle on 620AM when they're browsing through the dial.

The World's Best Shower/Bathroom Singer...

2007-09-21T15:07:00.001-05:00

It is fun to use Photoshop.

Sorry I'm in a Bad Mood, Blog

2007-09-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

You should listen to Akron/Family.

I have a feeling I'm late to this band, but I like them. They were in Raleigh on the 17th. I hope they come back.

This Fuck You Friday Brought to You by Monday Through Thursday

2007-09-21T08:21:00.001-05:00

Also:

1 and 2 redacted but they are about my stupid waking hours.

3. FUCK YOU FOR YOUR STUPID PARKING DECISIONS, SOUTHERN RAIL DOUCHEBAG RESTAURANT
4. FUCK YOU FOR BEING DISAPPOINTING AFTER PREVIOUS EPISODES HAD ACTUALLY BEEN PRETTY GOOD, PENULTIMATE AND PENPENULTIMATE EPISODES OF WEEDS SEASON 1. FUCK YOU FOR ABANDONING RELATIONSHIPS FOR MORE POT PROCEDURAL AND OH MY GOD ISN"T SUBURBIA FUCKED UP I ALREADY WATCHED DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AND IT ROOTS A COCK REAL HARD
5. FUCK YOU, PRINCIPAL OF JENA HIGH SCHOOL FOR SAYING THAT NOOSES ARE A HARMLESS PRANK ESPECIALLY FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU DIE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

28. Post on Blog

2007-09-20T14:19:00.000-05:00

At work (I am here now) I have a list of administrative tasks that need completin'. When I complete a task, I cross an item off of the list. For the last three days I have added items with no crossing out. I am seriously considering adding stuff to the list just to cross it off.

Being Insane and a Douchebag Still not Illegal in the United States

2007-09-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this kid is obviously a little insane (Skull and Bones conspiracy? Whatever.), but I'm glad he fought back. I don't have complete context, but did he get arrested for asking a question?

And Now You're Even Older

2007-09-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

My friend Jon McClelland just had his birthday. In our senior year of college, some Posse dudes carried him around the Horseshoe in a chair. Well, we attempted to.

Only sort of related: Several months later Posse member Erick raced co-Posse superathelete Ben in the shallow fountain in front of Thomas Cooper library.

Robert Jordan Died

2007-09-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

Glad I didn't start the series.

That's cynical, I know, but I feel bad for the people who have invested a ton of time in these books.

Things That Are Exciting

2007-09-10T11:41:00.000-05:00

1. The mustache I had for a few minutes on Saturday:

You'll note that I didn't wear it in public, but shaved it off immediately. Can you imagine playing a ComedySportz for Kidzzz show (or being alive and a member of society) in that thing?

2. The fact that, after a three-week hiatus, I'll be back playing Deep in the Blue Season 2 with The Durham Three.

3. The list of five "must read science fiction books" I'm compiling for Monica. It currently only has one set member: Gateway, by Frederick Pohl.

4. Comedy. I'm working on more stand up, I have a few other peripheral projects floating around, and I'll be playing in the D.S.I. CageMatch Dual Duel on September 13:

You should be there. John Loftin and I are playing together in Extraordinary Rendition. We previewed our show last night and it went really well.

Fucking Swedes

2007-09-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that The Knife's "Heartbeats" ranks among the most perfect pop songs of all time. I don't really have a good criteria for that, but I don't get tired of listening to it, or any version of it, for that matter. So here are some versions:

The Knife's:

I also think this is a killer video.

Jose Gonzalez's:

Gorilla vs. Bear has a haunting teen-girl-choir version here.

Finally, a different take on the song (okay, so it actually uses Gonzalez's version). This might be NSFW if you work at Focus on the Family or Marvel:

Joe Stanton: The Stand-Up Show

2007-09-07T12:18:00.001-05:00

P1000623.JPG
Originally uploaded by joe stanton

Last night I did stand-up for the first time. I thought it went pretty well: I used fortune cookies and I had a list of jokes with "THESE ARE MY JOKES" written on the back. This is a picture of me looking at a Martha Stewart holiday magazine* with her dressed as a "Glampire" on the cover. I didn't do a proper "joke" about it, I just wanted to show it to the audience. I spent seven bucks on that bit, and it actually worked out kind of well.

It was, firstly and foremost-ly, great fun, and I can't wait to do it again.

*A Halloween issue, thank god, and not Christmas.

Dan Savage Thinks I'm Gay

2007-09-05T10:40:00.000-05:00

I wrote a letter into Savage Love and Dan Savage printed it! I unfortunately didn't feel the need to clarify that I'm not gay*, so he assumed I was (the letter was about the Larry Craig brouhaha). Other than that, he gave a typically hilarious and incisive answer to my question.

Read it here (I'm CASH).
*I swear!

You Can't Take the Sky From Me

2007-09-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

On Sunday night I danced to music made by tesla coils.

I think that statement sums up my experience at Dragon*Con 2007. I had a shit ton of fun, spending four days basking in the collective enthusiasm that's the best part of the con. Of course, the costumes were great, and I had a great time just people-watching, but I also had an amazing time at the events. Highlights include:

1. Hank Reindhardt, a 73-year old arms expert, brutalizing a couple of pork shoulders with a Viking broadsword.
2. Learning that the creative teams of Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies are mean when they aren't high*. They're still funny, though.
3. Learning that I need to get in shape.

The full set of pictures are posted here.

*This doesn't apply to Unknown Hinson, who was being mean as a bit. Doc Hammer is cool, but he was in the audience and not on the panel.

I Know You're No Good

2007-08-24T10:14:00.001-05:00

America* has been inundated with Amy Winehouse shenanigans for a while, and I think we may be getting burnt out on her. She's up for a VMA or two, she was "buzzing" for a while, and of course she's been all drunk and shit for a while. I think America needs a break from Amy Winehouse.

That said, she's really really good. I've been listening to Back to Black, and while it relies heavily on some considerably good background music and slick production, Winehouse's novel vocals and raw emotion really make it soar. It's an excellent album.

Examples:

She can sing, she has a certain bizarre charisma, and she's unconventional. So now, Amy Winehouse, I have something to say to you:

Please don't die.

You are a year older than me. You have mountains of talent, and I know that crack is good, but jesus. I understand that your fucked-up-ed-ness informs your music, but you have to be alive to make it. Gain some weight, stop shooting herion into your clitoris, and make a few more albums before you die. I sort of imagine you making it to 35, becoming completely clean, and dying in a freak accident (maybe setting yourself on fire while ironing your hair?).

*Those of us who spend large amounts of time on the internet.

Come see my shows,

2007-08-23T09:06:00.000-05:00

please.

Aug. 25, 9:30 PM: Match Game

Sept. 6, 8:00 PM: Stand Up

Sept. 8, 5:00 and 7:30 PM: Comedy Sportzzz

Sept. 13, 8:00 PM: Cage Match Dual Duel, performing with John Loftin in the two-man sextravaganza that is Extraordinary Rendition.

Sept. 22, 7:30 PM: Comedy Sportzzz

I will also be doing some performing during 24Live in the last weekend in September, but I don't know in which shows. I know that the Harold team I am on will be debuting, so that's cool.

Animal Collective: Peacebone

2007-08-22T11:01:00.000-05:00

I like this video.

91.5 WUNC

2007-08-20T10:56:00.000-05:00

I like NPR. I have a contentious relationship with some of the "star" shows: I often hate This American Life, but every time I want to shoot my radio in hopes that it will blow Ira Glass's shit-eating hipster smile right off his face, David Sedaris does a story and I am sated. And every time Dick Gordon (of The Story) puts on his smarmiest Canada-voice and tries to milk a cry out of a Vietnamese boat person, I realize that the stories he does are actually pretty incredible. I heard one in which he interviewed a woman who had been a comfort woman during World War II. I nearly broke down. The horribly improvised "sketches" on A Prairie Home Companion are nearly unbearable, but "News From Lake Woebegone" can be disarmingly potent, and the show nearly always has an interesting musical selection.

That said, none of the hosts of these shows can compete with my three favorite NPR personalities:

1. Diane Rehm: She's completely smart and unforgiving with her guests. If a guest makes a statement, she'll say "Why?". Today, I heard her let a guest finish a sort of non-committal, boring spiel. After he finished, she chirped "No! No! No! The question was X." She tackles really tough and diverse issues and has an excellent handle on all of them (today's topic was subprime lending and its effect on global markets). She's awesome. I don't even notice her voice when she holds court.

2. Lynne Rossetto Kasper: "Bubbly" would be an easy way to describe Lynne, but I prefer to use "passionate." She really knows her food, and you can hear her love for great cooking, eating, and drinking when you listen to her show, The Splendid Table. She also speaks about food with such a conversational grace that even pretty highbrow stuff seems really accessible.

3. Frank Stasio: He's probably not on a lot of people's lists, as he hosts a niche show about goings-on in North Carolina, but he manages to make what could be a pretty dull subject engage all sorts of rigorous material. He really gets art, especially, and is obviously well-educated. He's an incredibly incisive and fun interviewer. He has a nice voice, too, I won't lie.

I Bought A Camera

2007-08-17T18:19:00.000-05:00

I've never been an avid photographer, and I never will be a good one, but expect a lot of Dragon*Con pictures in a few weeks.

And Yet I Eat Fried Candy Bars

2007-08-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

Weaver St.'s breakfast is really pretty good. They have good syrup, blueberry pancakes, a few other things, and the coffee is generally excellent.

One thing on the breakfast bar is just unconscionable, though. There is an item called "tofu scramble," which is just unseasoned tofu floating around in some oily water with onions, peppers, and whatever other shit they have lying around. It's not the tofu that makes it bad. I like tofu when it's cooked with some intention, some thought. This shit is just tossed in a pan with some other stuff and slopped into a dish. It's the organic equivalent of the "Salisbury steak" they used to give us in the cafeteria to meet state nutritional requirements.

Anyway, this morning the woman in front of me in line spent an excruciating thirty seconds cherry-picking the soggy tofu out of the dish, ounce by ounce. I watched it, horrified. It was sort of like the first time I watched Un Chien Andalou . I didn't want to watch, but I couldn't turn my face away from the razor slicing the woman's eye open.

Don't go to Weaver St. for breakfast unless you are there way early. Apparently the unemployed of Carrboro have infuriating eating habits, and they all eat at 9:30 AM.

Because I'm Sure You'll Want to Know

2007-08-14T08:55:00.000-05:00

Dragon*Con is imminent, and I need to figure out the best way to document it. Here are my ideas:

1. Buy a camera. I think I can get one for cheap(ish) and even though I'm not much of a photographer, I think it'd be great to have one at Dragon*Con, one of the only places I've been where I've felt compelled to take pictures.
2. Blog. I'm not going to liveblog, but I may have time at night to sketch out some notes.
3. Twitter. This is distasteful to me, and would be difficult, as I don't have any way to do it while I'm on the move.
4. Telegraph. Duh.

MD's going to bring a video camera.

Nope. Nope.

2007-08-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

These seeds do not spell "God". They clearly spell "Gio" in the Walt Disney script style. So really, this eggplant reminds you that a man name Giovanni exists, and that he goes by a truncated version of his name.

Are a Black Man and A Woman Really Okay With This?

2007-08-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Democratic frontrunners oppose gay marriage.

Hell, they oppose gay people, apparently.

I don't understand how advocating gay "civil unions" has suddenly become viable progressivism. If gay marriage is crowded out by gay civil unions, gay people are effectively relegated to second-class status (as if they aren't already sufficiently othered).

"But Joe, they'll have all the same rights as straight people! They can share property and kids and whatnot!"

Oh, boy! Let's replace "gay" with "black" in the equation:

Black person: Can I get married to another black person?
Politician 1: No! But I'll let you get "black person married". It's exactly like marriage, but it's not a marriage, because you people aren't allowed to get married. The Bible says so!

See? Fuck civil unions.

1-2-3 Ingestion

2007-08-10T09:18:00.001-05:00

1-2-3 Ingestion
Originally uploaded by TedHobgood

We lost, but it was okay. Check out this kickass title screen Ted Hobgood made for us!

Okay, Let's Try This Again

2007-08-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

FOREWORD: I'm sorry for all the pot-bashing.

When someone knows that they are in real danger, they often flail wildly to get out of danger. If you trapped me in a corner and were going to kill me , I'd punch and kick and scratch and mewl until you either killed me or let me go.

Showtime's Weeds (or at least the three episodes I watched last night) starts out the series scratching a mewling. It knows it should be better than it is: it has a fun concept, a good lead actress, and licence to say "fuck" as often or as little as it wants to.

Despite this, the show falters. It tries to ride the premise of Mary Louise Parker's widow character becoming the neighborhood pot-slinger much farther than it actually can, without developing relationships. Parker's relationship with her sons is one of casual, accepting permissiveness. Her relationship with the local women is comically chilly, but comes off as superficial. The only character I really care about in the show is Celia, who hates her husband and children. The end.

Without relationships to inform the action, the show falls back on a few disparate moves:

1. Cute kids. Parker's son is cute. He has big teeth and is articulate. Precocious, even.
2. Suburban "weirdness". There is tennis-racket sodomy. I'm not sure if this is meant to shock us or hold the mirror up to our own middle-class depravity, but does this kind of stuff surprise anyone anymore?
3. Snippets of Gilmore Girls-style dialogue, but between pot dealers.
4. Kevin Nealon

So the show sometimes mewls and scratches, and eventually perishes. I'm going to give it a few more tries, though, as we have the DVD indefinitely.

The show's music is fucking great, though.

Now They've Taken the Ducks from Me, Too

2007-08-09T07:59:00.000-05:00

I won't say that Jacques Cluzaud, Michel Debats and Jacques Perrin's Winged Migration is one of my favorite documentaries, and I won't say that it's terribly groundbreaking. I won't even say it's really a documentary, as it feels and behaves more like a poem. About birds.

But I still rather liked it, when I saw it. It's sort of like March of the Penguins with mercifully less Morgan Freeman. And I won't lie, I thought I was reasonably hip for having seen it (I was in college, we ambled over to the art theater and "caught a flick", whatever).

Well, that world has come crashing down.

I was watching Weeds* last night, and one of the characters insinuated that he was out of pot because Winged Migration was playing at "The Plex"** that week and that STONERS JUST LOVE THIS MOVIE.

I'm all for recontextualizing art, I really am. I just want art to be recontextualized in a way that I can participate in it. For now, I can't enjoy:

Or this:

And, apparently, I also am not fully experiencing The Big Lebowski.

Wait. Listen to me. I've just wasted thirty minutes of my life complaining--on the internet--about something that doesn't need to be complained about. I'm miffed because it's one more club that I'm left out of, and this time it's a club that I didn't even know existed.

I'm just cranky because I'm tired and my crankiness is enhancing my natural uptightness.

In conclusion, it's my birthday and you can go ahead and skip Weeds.

*Kind of shitty and boring. Just a quirky suburban farce in which people smoke pot. Yawn. Also, Kevin Nealon is not funny in this show. Not even a little bit.
**Goddamit.

More Things that are Worse Than Being Hungry (But Not As Bad as Genocide)

2007-08-07T13:43:00.000-05:00

1. Torture Porn
2. The Mystery Method

3. The Underdog Movie

Note: Watch that whole clip. I can't believe that this creepy guy and his creepy nerd disciples are getting a TV show that validates their creepy psychological date-rape.

Other Note: Jason Lee is the biggest disappointment in the world. I mean, he's pretty talented. I sort of like the Earl show. But this shit? He's also in the Alvin and the Shit-Eating Chipmunks movie. You heard me.

Can You Do A Crazy CIA Agent Voice?

2007-08-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

Watch this video, by Carrboro expatriate and funny man Nick Faber:

Whoa!

2007-08-06T10:16:00.000-05:00

What a weekend. Let's break it down.

Friday: Well, okay. I spent most of the day working, as though there was nothing too special going on. I knew that Katie and Becky were holding a late housewarming party that night, so I hung around Carrboro, and met up with Becky and her parents, who took us out to my favorite restaurant, Fiesta Grill. I had chicken mole.

So the party starts later that night, and there is great turnout. I'm thinking to myself "This is a killer party, good job ladies!" Then Becky walks down the stairs and makes an announcement that I am actually attending MY OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Somehow I did not know this. The party was not a surprise, but the purpose of the party was. Man, they put some effort into this, too. Katie e-mailed everyone in the company, except me. Becky baked me a red velvet cake decorated to look like a UFO abducting me (because she knows I like-a the sci-fi), then managed to keep it hidden in the attic.

I stayed up until five battle rapping with Marc Kennedy and Remi Treuer. I said some things I'm not proud of, but I play to win.

Saturday: Woke up late, wished Becky a safe trip up to VA (for her sister's birthday), went to Milltown for brunch with Jon Loftin and Marc Kennedy.

Slept until 3:45. Played the 7:30 ComedySportz show. I thought it went well, and I managed to get ALL FIVE THINGS. Was incredibly tired. Skipped The Bourne Ultimatum to go to bed.

Sunday: Did some improv. Got a new phone. Did some more improv. Played Superman, and a dick-sucking Dick Cheney in our class Harold. So. Much. Fun. Drank half a bottle of wine and tried to get through Babel with Katie Shutrump. Failed.

She is Kind of Hot Though

2007-08-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

So, the band that might save rock and roll* and one of the great legends of popular music get on stage together. The result:

Watch that again. Wait until about the 2:35 mark. Is that Heather Graham? Trying to enjoy Arcade Bowie? I can't tell if she's succeeding. I dunno. It seemed strange to me.

*A big proclomation, but hey, this is the internet. I rather like them, at least.

.pop.

2007-08-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

...

As hubristic as this may sound, I'm starting to "get" Harold. I'm getting a sense of what I want to see in the third beat, I am figuring out what choices make for interesting scenes, and I can see the seductiveness of the form: how it builds itself, how it encourages reincorporation, how you can say something important by bringing evil character X into family scene Y and how that can be very beautiful.

Last night, I thought I had an experience with "Harold", the dude, the one who supposedly tells us what to do on stage. I made a move that went something like this:

1. In the first beat, there was a naked clown. This was very clearly defined. Naked. Clown.
2. Some other members of my ensemble initiated with: "Man, this nude beach is awesome!"
3. I walk on and say "Hey, guys, your elephant is shitting everywhere, you should do something about it."
4. My scene partners try to yes/and. I follow up with a detail about Ringling Bros. or something.

Okay, so I can see why that wouldn't pop like I expected. By the time I was saying "Circus," I was trying to help out my scene partners so they could button and we could get out of there. Still, I felt pretty good about it, in that it required no thought or work to come to it, and it was using the already-established reality of the piece. It was one of the only times that I've really, really reincorporated something in my short improv career. And I did a few other okay callbacks in the third beat, which pleased me. It wasn't so much that we had done a great Harold, it was that we had done one, and that the above move especially had made perfect sense in context of the piece we were doing (to me). My synapses fired and I could think of nothing else but that clown = naked.

Maybe my thinking was flawed, because I came off the stage feeling pretty good about what I had done, far better than I have felt about any other intersection I've had with Harold. And then we got notes.

I learned that all of the moves I made in the third beat were wrong. I'll readily admit that all of them could have been better. I initiated a boring scene, I was in a scene that took too long to get to the button, etc. But I was really demoralized that my elephant walk-on seemed so stupid to everyone. Nobody got it. The people in my class are smart, funny people and for some reason, they didn't understand that the naked people on the beach were clowns. It wasn't that the people couldn't be clowns, it's that no one understood that elephants are somehow associated with clowns. I can think of a few ways I could have done it better:

1. Hey Bozo, Chuckles, your elephant is shitting everywhere!
2. Sir, this is a proper nude beach, please take the red nose off of the head of your penis.
3. HEY! CLOWNS! LOOK MOM, CLOWNS! CLOWNS THAT ARE NAKED! JUST LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!

Okay, that's stupid. The first two would have made more sense. Hell, I could even leave out the elephant shit. It's just that, for me, the elephant connection made perfect sense.

Does this mean that I'm unfunny? If I make the easiest move I can make and nobody cares, why should I bother with it? I mean, I asked around, and got responses like this:

Me: If I say that someone owns an elephant, what do you think they do for a living? What kind of person are they?
Response: Zoologist.
Response: Elephant Trainer

NO FUCKING CLOWNS.

Goddamit. I'm just disappointed by that and can't get it out of my head. So here I am, writing badly about improv that I do badly.

Well, I Am From Williston....

2007-07-31T14:02:00.001-05:00

Remi: Never argue on the internets. It will break your heart. Like a stripper your momma introduces you to.

The Michael Jordan of EVIL

2007-07-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

I've been following the scandal surrounding the dismissal of seven U.S. attorneys for apparent political reasons, and I've come to one conclusion: Alberto Gonzales is the world's most evil Mexican-American. Why, he's up there for the world's most evil person. Here's a list of his accomplishments so far:

1. Along with former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card*, ambushed incapacitated Attorney General John Ashcroft in his hospital room--in the middle of the night--to get him to reauthorize the warrantless wiretapping program.
2. In 1996, helped then-governor George W. Bush avoid jury duty, presumably so he would not have to reveal his own DUI in Maine two decades earlier.
3. My favorite thing he's done, however (aside from support of the USA PATRIOT Act) is his participation in the following interchange:

Whaaaa? I'm no legal scholar, but that seems both slimy and genuinely dishonest.

So, how else can A.G. the A.G. be evil?

1. Initiate the Federal Harry Potter-Spoilers act.
2. Order the destruction of all balloons, cotton-candy machines, and marshmallow factories in the land.
3. Un-invade, then re-invade Iraq.

Oh wait...I know!

Wow. Lazy humor and lazy Photoshopping. Gooooo meeee!

*We are alumni of the same university. Bastard.

Finally...

2007-07-25T08:08:00.000-05:00

Trust The Onion to distill an argument that goodhearted, but inarticulate, protestors of the war (myself included) have been trying to make for about four years just perfectly:

Study: Iraqis May Experience Sadness When Friends, Relatives Die

Thank you, The Onion.

RAGE ATTACK

2007-07-19T08:04:00.000-05:00

A few of my friends have been assaulted by my preaching about the inadequacy of nostalgia. It's why I don't see the appeal in the Transformers movie, or this movie:

Yikes. See, just because you remember something fondly, doesn't mean that you're going to like seeing it again. Now granted, I didn't watch much television as a kid, but I have rather neutral, detached reactions to my childhood TV memories, rather than the orgasmic joy the above image is supposed to elicit.

I mean, I could be an anomaly, because my TV watching was restricted by my parents, but I think it's deeper than this. I don't really have many good associations from childhood at all. Not that I had a bad childhood, it's just the stuff that sticks out in my mind is mostly the humiliating or painful stuff: pissing my pants during P.E. class, failing math in seventh grade, being completely confused playing baseball*, and getting run into a row of lockers by a bully, slamming my face into said lockers, and catching my bright yellow braces (they were yellow because the bands or whatever were yellow, not because they were gross) on my top lip, and bleeding all over myself and the band room. So how does an "Are You Afraid of the Dark" movie make me feel good, now?

One really great memory of childhood that I retain are all of the books I read. I'm not sure if these are still in elementary school circulation, but I remember them being the "kids' books" that I didn't graduate from, and still haven't:

1. A Wrinkle In Time
2. Island of the Blue Dolphins
3. Time for the Stars (all of the "Heinlein Juveniles", really)
4. The Homer Price books
5. The Giver

I have only good memories of these books. One set of books that really engaged me, and helped to further my interest, in myth and history, was The Dark is Rising sequence. It has everything: historical puzzles, Arthurian legend, and the main character is named Will Stanton. Which is why I nearly started quaking in my chair when I saw this:

Patience, Joe, patience. It was too complicated to adapt, probably. The Dark is Rising contains tons of puzzles and nuanced mythical references--it'd be hard to express a lot of the things that happen in that book onscreen.

But does Will Stanton have to be American, really?

And what's all this puberty shit? I mean, the book is about a kind of puberty, but it's the kind of puberty where you learn that you are imbued with a terrible power and are forced to make decisions that will drastically effect those you love. I don't remember Will getting all drooly over some other pre-adolescent, ever. He has a world to save. Christ. I guess this is to book adaptations what turning Optimus Prime into the backwards-baseball-cap wearing fratboy is to toy franchise adaptations.

I think there is potential to make great film adaptations of children's books. I'm looking forward to the film version of The Golden Compass**, even though it's the only book in the the series that I've read. I think that a lot of the books that I listed above could be really great movies. I just wish that filmmakers would be ambitious. Instead of making The Dark is Rising into Bratz with horses and magic, why not just challenge viewers with some dense Arthurian legend? It'll be good for everyone, and I won't feel the urge to peel out on somebody's face so often when I'm browsing around You Tube***.

*I'm still mostly confused.
**A lot of this has to do with Sam Elliott.
***No guarantees. Have you ever been on You Tube?

Joe Stanton: The Show

2007-07-18T18:20:00.000-05:00

If you can, come see me perform on the following days:

-July 19, 8:00 PM: My team, 1,2,3, Ingestion, will be playing during the improv jam.

-July 21, 9:30 PM:

I am hosting, as Phil Mitchum.

-August 4, 5:00 PM:

I won't be mad if you grown-ups don't come to this one.

-August 18, 7:30 PM: Regular ComedySportz.

Clip, Courtesy of BWE Blog

2007-07-18T17:14:00.000-05:00

New York: Part Fashion

2007-07-17T11:49:00.000-05:00

I'm not that impressed by H&M. I walked in expecting to be transported to some super-hip fashion paradise, and found myself in The Gap. Okay, that's harsh, but I found that the men's clothes there were pretty boring. The women's clothes were fun, though.

I don't claim to be that fashionable. I try to dress nicely, but I have only a basic understanding of what makes something work, fashion-wise. When I've needed to look good, I've always recurred to a basic slacks-and-nice-shirt style, and that's gotten me through some tough times. That said, I'm trying to vary my style a little and take a few risks, partially because I don't want to bore my girlfriend, and partly because...well, slacks. Really.

So I went shopping in New York to make some inroads in both pleasing my girlfriend and myself (in the sartorial sense, wink). And, like I said, I was disappointed by H&M: I bought a green shirt at the one in SoHo and sort of puttered through the other ones* we visited.

But Uniqlo, lord, god. That store is amazing.

I never thought I could really have fun shopping, as I've always viewed it as kind of a utilitarian enterprise in which you got the best selection while spending the least possible amount of time and money in a store.

Uniqlo has a wall of amazing Japanese t-shirts. It has cool music playing inside. Its bags are covered with colorful, filigreed designs (I kept mine). While I was browsing, I spotted a trio of black men in their late teens who were dressed head to toe in old-school hip hop gear, but not ironically. They were simply dressed that way because it was cool, and I was amazed. I even stared for a second. And I bought three things.

Well, now that I've finished my ham handed attempt at fashion writing, let me give you a rundown of the rest of the trip:

1. I saw noted improv team Death by Roo Roo perform at UCB. It was great.
2. Went to MoMA on Friday. Also great.
3. Ate at Katz's Deli. Great.
4. Went dancing. Great.
5. Met/hung out with a bunch of Becky's old friends. Also great. They have glamorous jobs and are generally fun.

And that pretty much sums it up. It was a frantic couple of days, but completely worth it.

*There is one on every goddamn corner in Manhattan.

Start Spreading

2007-07-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'm heading off to New York City to rendezvous with Becky's college girlfriends. I'll be there for the weekend, and have a feeling that I'll be doing a bit of shopping, and maybe trying to get out and see a museum, but a lot of that has to do with what Becky and her coterie want to do. I'd like to eat some righteous food, but I'm short on cash, so the restaurants I read about on The Amateur Gourmet (who has a disturbing entertainment budget for a "professional playwright") are out, and my rolling crew are mostly vegetarians, so I may not get to cruise by Katz's Deli (one of the highlights of my first NY visit). I do feel badly that I don't have more activities planned. After all, this is only my second time in New York, a city that makes futures** , and the jewel in the crown of the United States. Or whatever. So maybe I'll take some time tonight to think about what to see.

Of course, I'm a horribly nervous traveler, and I'm less prepared for this trip than for the last one I went on (which I survived). I'm not packed, my tickets aren't printed, and I've no idea how we'll get from LaGuardia to where we are going to end up (somewhere in New York, I guess).

Wish me luck.

**Please kick much ass, DSI people.

For All You Music People Out There

2007-07-09T16:43:00.000-05:00

Today, in the trash outside of Harris Teeter, peeking out amongst the banana peels and condom wrappers, was a burned copy of Moby's Play. I want to imagine it was a halfhearted gift from an annoying ex-boyfriend.

Typo

2007-07-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

A bit of a conversation with my friend, Matt Elder:

me: gotta go

ack in a bit

Matt: I know that's a typo, but it's great anyway.

For Scott Jennings and Nick Faber

2007-07-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

I'm in your consciousness, deconstructing your memez.

I know, another Achewood post. But still.

Set Your Phasers on Funky

2007-07-06T09:16:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been turned on to Kiwi folk-parody duo Flight of the Conchords. They're dry to the point of sometimes telling anti-jokes, but their comedy is infused with such a sense of fun that I can tell that they love what they are doing and want us to love it, too. Case in point:

This isn't their funniest song, but I think that it's a shining example of a certain kind of parody that stands parallel to, and engages me more than, say, the deservedly cruel fun that Stephen Colbert has at the expense of conservative punditry, or the skewering of religious idiocy so often found in The Onion. The above video is a parody along the lines of Blazing Saddles, Kung Fu Hustle, or anything by Weird Al. These works are love letters. Can you imagine how much Bowie F.O.T.C.* had to listen to to do that impression? A parody like this says "David Bowie (or Westerns, or wuxia/gangster flicks, or whatever), you are silly in a lot of ways. And I still love you." And these parodies aren't just love letters to some new girlfriend, or an object of lust. They're love letters to a spouse, or a first love, or a family pet. And while I think that the cheeky vitriol of The Onion and The Colbert Report is necessary (and hilarious!), I just get down with love way more than I get down with hate.

*Kicky acronym, ne?

I Agree With Teodor

2007-07-05T12:16:00.000-05:00

Ah, Achewood. Purveyors of good taste since 2001. Click on the strip to read a bigger version.

You're A Soldier Now! - A Review of Transformers (The Movie, not the Franchise)

2007-07-05T08:13:00.000-05:00

My July 4 pseudo-weekend was great fun, from beginning to end. On the actual holiday, Becky and I loaded up a cooler full of beer, delicious rice-fruit salad, broccoli salad, taco dip, and family reunion dessert, all Becky's creations, grabbed some chairs, and went out with a cohort of D.S.I. people to enjoy the festivities at Regency Park in Cary. I had a great time, and even rode a mechanical bull.

Tuesday night I went to see Transformers. The complaints about this movie have been well documented. I find Nick Faber's review of the film to be both concise and true. I'll expand upon it thusly:

*SPOILERS, MAYBE, I DUNNO*

The film is basically one long, bad sketch, the premise of which is "What if the Transformers were just, you know, regular dudes?" There are far too many stupid asides, sight gags (a chihuahua pees on a Transformer), and lame shots across the pop-culture bow for the script to have any urgency behind it. When we are finally given a scene that isn't encumbered by horrible bits, Michael Bay's "throw indistinct flashes of light at the camera, combined with loud clanking noises" style of directing*, keeps the audience from seeing what we paid to see: giant fighting robots. This really disappointed me, because the robots were very cool: when a police-car Decepticon turned into a car in midair and shot off at full speed, the theater broke out in applause, and the battle between an interstate-skating Decepticon and Optimus Prime (who was, incidentally, played less as a fearless leader and more as a bumbling sitcom alien, albeit one with a huge sword coming out of his arm) was quite thrilling.

To make matters worse, writers Roberto Orci (who, according to IMDB, wrote an indeterminate nubmer of episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess), Alex Kurtzman (writing the upcoming Star Trek movie), and John Rogers (he wrote Catwoman!) apparently studied at the Moran and Mack school of screenwriting, because the film is really irresponsible with its minority characters. There are two black "mammies"** and two big ole' fat black goofballs, one of whom hilariously crashes through a glass door, and another who is phoned in by the talented or not-talented (I'm not sure yet because he keeps taking roles like this) Anthony Anderson. Tyrese Gibson's character seems to exist solely to say words like "dawg" to Josh Duhamel's withered stump of a soldier. Bernie Mac plays "the cool-but-slightly-flustered black dude" he plays in the Ocean's 11 films. The one Latino character often lapses into Spanish and is chastised for it by his buddies, in a move that is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but comes off as chauvinistic. And then there's Jazz.

Jazz's only line that means anything, other than the mild shit-talk he throws at Megatron when he's fighting him and is summarily dispatched, is something to the effect of "This looks like a good place to chill and kick it."

C'mon guys. I'm not mad that you have a "hip hop" (read: African American) Transformer. I'm really not. I'm just mad that all of the black characters in this movie were curious goofballs (with the exception of Gibson's, who was more of a curious bad-ass). And unfortunately, this kind of lazy filmmaking perpetuates itself: mammies are easy to make jokes with (see Norbit and Big Momma's House), it's easier to write hollow jive dialogue than to have a character who uses African American vernacular and still says something meaningful, and it's easier to show white, middle class audiences stereotypes than it is to ask them to think about race.

I realize I'm coming off as a prickly liberal for writing this, but I figure that it has to be said, because it seems obvious to me that Hollywood is really inadequate in its treatment of race. Transformers would still be a one-star movie without all of the racial issues, but the offhand way in which the stereotypes are thrown around is really disconcerting.

*SPOILERS END HERE, I GUESS*

Uh, also...God Bless America.

*That said, I'm not going to spend too much time lambasting Michael Bay. He isn't an artist, or if he is, he's a bad one. And his movies are mostly unenjoyable explosion-fests. I know. But if I were a producer, and wanted to make an explosion-fest, I would want a director who was the right kind of asshole to figure out the direction of a movie that has n explosions, a huge crew, and a huge production budget. Something tells me that Michael Bay is that guy. The movie still largely sucks, though.
**Ups to Jeremy Griffin for pointing this out to me.

You Guys, He's So Fucking Good At Math

2007-07-03T12:19:00.000-05:00

I don't know if he reads this, but I'd like to give a 21st birthday shout out to my brother, Will Stanton. He's great at math, singing, and besting me. I love you, bro. In this picture he's posing with his lovely girlfriend, Elizabeth:

He's also posing with Elizabeth in this picture:

God bless her.

You Know It Has to Happen

2007-07-03T08:02:00.000-05:00

The second book in the Remi Treuer Reading Project was Finder: Sin Eater, a beautiful and entirely unconventional book that you should all read. I won't review it further.

The third book is The Amulet of Samarkand, the first book in The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Johnathan Stroud. The essential premise of the trilogy is that wizards can control demons, and use this control to pacify "commoners" and create an authoritarian state.

It's already easy to see where these books intersect with Harry Potter, which I've always thought was deeply rooted in fears of totalitarianism: Voldemort's original rise to prominence parallels the rise of facism in Europe, and his return strongly implies fear of a present-day reversion to that system, especially in Britain.

And okay, J.K. Rowling is not a great writer. She traffics in cliche, her dialogue is stilted-- I know these things. But these are important books. I mean, Star Wars is pretty silly too, but it's such a part of our cultural vocabulary that you can't help but want to know what it means.

But rather than spend my precious writing energy on some dense Harry Potter criticism, I have to say one thing about the final book:

Harry Potter must die.

Everyone I say this to says "Of course, it's prophecied". Yep, I know, but I also know how easy it would be to simply end this book happily. Harry's death* is the only acceptable end to the series. I don't think Rowling is that lazy, but I swear, if Harry Potter doesn't die a virgin, I'm going to set England on fire.

*And maybe one of the Weasleys', there are too many of them, and definitely Snape's.

The Seventies Were Heady Times

2007-06-28T09:22:00.000-05:00

The first book I tackled in the Remi Treuer Reading Project was Charles Burns's Black Hole. The book centers around a suburban Seattle community where the local teenagers are contracting an STD called "the Bug" that turns them into monsters. Literally. One character has a second mouth on his neck that talks, some of them sprout horns, another character has a tail.

Black Hole engages several intensely compelling issues: sexual ownership, contagion, and guilt, alienation based on class and looks (the mutated kids eventually subvert this by squatting in a suburban tract house, the ultimate in manicured middle class-ness), and liminality. Of particular interest to me is the story of Chris, the popular girl who gets the Bug and goes a little crazy. The story is really fun, too. There's a murder mystery, a love story, and it's scary as hell.

I made a mistake, though, when I read the book. Remi told me to take it slow, and I read it in one sitting. I lost a lot of the nuance of the art when I did that, which is a problem I have with most comics, but Black Hole has such rich art that it deserves a deliberate reading. The art is really the star of the show, which is a good thing, as it is a comic. Every frame is nearly pitch black, with the sparse flickers of light making every face look like a deformity and every deformity look even more deformed. I unfortunately didn't take the time to really enjoy this and absorb what it means, so I'm giving the book a second read when I get through a couple more in my stack.

Too Easy

2007-06-26T13:54:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I watched the 2001 HBO documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen. It's an examination of child beauty pageants in the South, centering around precocious five year old Swan Brooner and her chain smoking, straight-out-of-central-casting, stage mom, Robin. I should have known better than to watch it, as I knew that it would inhabit the "Hey, look at this weird thing!" area of the Documentary Dormitory, somewhere down the hall from To Catch a Predator.

I have to say that Living Dolls is really enjoyable. There are parts that made me laugh out loud, like when a flamboyantly gay pageant coach from Alabama (all Southerners know this man, he lives in a mansion, he is a great musician and plays organ for the First Baptist Church, and had frosted tips before that was cool) teaches the little girls the correct way to smile and strut. And the film has a definite feminist message: the girls are instructed to flirt with the pageant MC, for example, and we cringe. That said, while the film is very well made, it approaches its theses* in a clinical and too-straightforward manner. For example, when Shari Cookson, the director, wants to show that Robin is neglecting her other children because of Swan's pageants, they show Swan's baby brother sitting on the floor while Robin shouts at Swan for forgetting her lines.

We get it.

That's the main issue I have with Living Dolls. It doesn't explicitly break the "show, don't tell" rule that informs so much good storytelling, but it doesn't quite follow it, either. Every shot in the film seems to be an attempt to oppress the viewer with as much message as it can.

The film also engages in some mild South-bashing, but I'm willing to let it slide, as the assertions it makes** are hard to deny.

If you want to watch it, it's broken into nine parts on YouTube, starting here.

*That pageants are meat markets, that being a certain kind of intense parent is bad, and an overall "Women are commodified, and that is wrong" message.
**There are large amounts of superficiality, disingenuousness, and obesity in the South.